An apology before I start
I always go missing, hiding inside myself, as I try to decipher the meaning of life in a language I can understand. Trying to disentangle knots, clear up space, exist despite fear and still breathe to spite it (I could go on and on about what I’m trying to do…). So with all of this “wanting to” and “trying to”, “things getting too much” and “me feeling pulled in different directions”, I always tend to fold up and run away.
I’ve always been scared of situations where my feet can’t be on the floor, so things like swinging, someone lifting me up (please stay away all these “let me carry you to see how heavy you are” people) etc leaves me anxious. I always want my feet to be firm, there’s this need to always find solid ground and when I don’t, I just blow up inside and it leads me to paths where to cross, I have to go ghost.
Materializing is always hard and I’m usually tempted sore to not come back at all; I’d have to apologise for my absence, explain why I always fall off the radar (someone said I ghost because I’m a self-saboteur (whatever that means) and try to sound more wholesome by telling a few (or a lot of) lies to explain/appease.
But I’d like you to know that as I crash and climb back up into this driver’s seat, my shaky foot on the pedal (or whatever this is) my readers (WELCOME BACK to those who’ve been on this ride and a BIG WELCOME to new passengers!!) in their seats, I put my hand on my heart as my mind’s hand caresses my new scar and say that I’m forging a path to a place I will no longer need to run from.
Sooooo, I turned 20 on the 13th of October…so far, I just want to say honestly that it sucks, I don’t know what I’m doing and things have been tough on me mentally and emotionally lately.
The 20’s is a time where it’s easy to feel stuck, to see no light at the end of the tunnel, to curl around the question mark, to be unsure, to pause, to be afraid. Not knowing can be terrifying and I’m in this headspace where I’m uncertain of the direction I’m supposed to go…I somehow feel like I was told before, like I was shown a map then I memorized it and totally forgot. It’s disappointing. How so? I never quite know how to phrase disappointment in a way that doesn’t make me come across as a person with too many expectations because the truth is, I DO have many expectations. Even for the people around me. I digress. I have always had too many expectations for myself, too many goals, too many aspirations (most times they don’t even correlate). I know that people say you should “always push to be the best version of yourself that you could possibly be” and “it will be worth it in the end”, however I’m struggling to find the boundary between finding the best version of myself and being happy. It feels like it won’t get easier, like I’d continue to wake up every morning with a greater sense of defeat lingering in my head, like it’d never get better, like I’d never reach the high level of happy and content I aspire to. No, I’m not a pessimist. I just think several steps ahead and sometimes ignore the present.
I’m constantly worrying about where I’d be in a year, the steps I need to take in my walk as a writer and how I can be all round better as though these things happen instantaneously. I accept that I’m always going to be looking into the future and that I’m always going to worry but I also can’t neglect my present. “The present always has answers, you may be overlooking them”, is an important thing I’ve had to learn in the past few days.
In the past month, people I’ve told my concerns have expressed this same sentiment. Nobody started out where or who they are today. Consciously or unconsciously, we’ve balanced our unknown with hard work and consistence (and a little or a lot of “cut me a little slack”), an art that some of us (especially me) haven’t appreciated. December is 14 days old and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t already thinking about next year and all the things I’d have to face there. But this is where staying in my present comes in, I have to consciously remind myself of how thankful I am right now – for waking up, for the wonderful people in my life, for the weather, for the little steps I’m taking.
I started to;
*Meditate (no I’m not joking please)
*Workout (release those endorphins and be happy)
*Practice gratitude (never stop giving thanks for the things you have)
*Be mindful of my space (I’m not a messy person but I started to be more mindful of my space. It gives for a better mindset)
*Write more in my journal (express yourself)
*Surround myself with positive people
*Place peppermint oil (or just a spritz of my perfume) in the palm of my hands and inhale deeply (this calms me down really quickly)
I’m not near perfect. And I’m not trying to be. But I hope this helps you as much as it started to help me.
If you’ve been in some type of funk before, how did you come out of it? I’m dying to know.
Love x Warmth
P. S I plan on doing more posts like this, where I talk from a personal point of view based on experiences, books, videos, and all. If you enjoy content like these, I’d love feedback from you, by subscribing to the blog &/or leaving your opinions in the comments.
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