Do you have hair? I do. Lots of it, all over my body. I didn’t use to mind till ss1, when a boy I liked told me to shave so I’d be like the other girls in class. I wanted him to like me back and if the hair on my legs was the only thing he felt wasn’t attractive about me, well it had to go! I became so self-conscious, I shaved every 3 days and I considered waxing and hair removal creams like Veet and Nair ; I read every article about hair removal and tried quite a few painful processes. Most of them quite expensive, but the looks of revulsion of strangers hurt more and unknowingly became my drive. It was quite disheartening…and funny now that I sit back to think about it.
Everyone always says to love your skin, accept the way you look, but their actions say differently; everywhere I turn everyone is in support of dramatic, altering changes if you are dissatisfied with yourself so I’m caught between loving myself and changing myself. Weird thing is, I never felt really disgusted about my body until that ss1 incident, I mean there were other incidences but this one was the one that made me look at myself differently; not good different, bad different. My hair was something that was just there, you know? It grew because it was supposed to.
On some days I’d tell myself to stop wasting so much time, get back to simpler times when I didn’t care. I could use the hurtful comments and stares of strangers as stepping stones to self-confidence, but it’s easier said than done. Just when I think I was making progress, a stare or a snigger would wrench me back to where I was; being insecure. There were days where all I thought of were procedures and procedures and more procedures because I felt so hurt. I’d daydream of peeling off my skin, and sewing on better skin—hairless, scar-free, perfect. Everyone would love it and admire me, and be jealous of how I could be born with such a flawless skin devoid of any hair.
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I loathed feeling vulnerable, that the comments and stares and whispers of people controlled my confidence, I couldn’t stand it! That I could barely look myself in the mirror without repulsion just made me realize that my body was no longer my own because I let others tell me what it was supposed to look like.
So I started trying this thing I stumbled on one hair removal binge reading spree—I have to say one nice thing about myself everyday, even if I don’t feel it. It’s okay if it’s a repeat word from the previous day. I say one word and I tell myself why I’m that word. For example: yesterday’s word was fresh. I chose that word because after I spent a while in the bathroom where I cleansed, steamed and exfoliated with the toning and moisturizing afterwards, I looked so nice. I felt good about myself actually. I had exfoliated and I had new skin, fresh skin and a fresh start.
It’s challenging to be kind to myself when I am down, but I still do it and it has been helping a little bit. Truthfully, on some days it doesn’t really work, but I am getting better at erasing the voices of others and giving priority to my own voice. I’m not always saying “it’s just this stupid hair!”, I’m touching it and enjoying the feel of my own body without feeling repulsed by myself.
Today’s word is patience. I am patient with myself because when I feel like giving up, I remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That even though most people do not like I how I look, my being fearfully and wonderfully made does not require their approval. I am going to love myself fully and unapologetically one day. And to get there I have to remain patient. I am patient with others so even when they snicker and laugh or make rude comments, I smile because one of these days, they’d come to love my fearfully and wonderfully and if they don’t, I guess it’s ok. We are not all made the same. To be fearfully and wonderfully made means that I have a unique characteristic and the challenge is love those characteristics fiercely despite every thought that suggests that I am not enough or not quite right. I’ll get there I know. Till then, I will do it day by day, love myself bit by bit, chunk by chunk till it becomes a whole, the whole me.
So I’m off to wear my shorts and tank top and a cute Ankara scarf a friend gave me, and my today accessory of patience and love.
Love and warmth,
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Are you doing things or taking steps to love yourself or parts of yourself you feel are unlovable? What are you doing exactly? Let’s help each other. You could also tell me your stories, don’t be a stranger 😀.
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Hi squad! Lately school has been stressing me out, so I’ve changed my posting schedule to accommodate school (you want your girl to do great, right?)…it’s going to be twice a week instead of thrice for now…maybe during the holidays in August, I could get back to posting thrice but for now, I’d be posting twice a week on Mondays and Fridays. Thank you for sticking around. Love and warmth.